Beard Science 5:The End? Part A:The Beginnings of Joy IV

It's that time of year, the time for a man dressed in red with a beard to defy all the laws of time and space and in one night deliver everything to everyone.

Now, I've mentioned in previous posts here that Hans Tritolulak used his beard to alter the laws of time and space to discover DNA before it was discovered.

Sinterklaas, or more the more commonly known "Santa Claus" was part of a secret alien experiment to alter the laws of causality using what was then known as a "baaarvd".

My representation of these aliens.  

(This is is no way a really badly Photoshopped Star Wars character.)

These experiment involved firing large quantities of horned deer at a baaarvd at close to the speed of light, infusing them with the energy needed to bend time and space.
Very little is known about the actual details as the aliens fucked off and didn't write anything down.

The result of these was the creation of Santa.

Scott Ian is Not, I repeat NOT Santa

Now I don't really need to discuss Santa on this blog post as most of you will know who or what he is.

Suffice to say even though he appears magical, he is in fact quite rooted in reality.

History states that Sinterklass day would have been celebrated on the 5th of December to celebrate his passing but this has since been moved to coincide with the birth of JC.
JC being John Cranville of course, the noted shepard/ research physicist.
He is believed to be originally conceived as part of an alien experiment to repopulate the beard on earth.

There's some dude called Jesus also, never met him, apparently good on the decks.

MC Jesus

Cranvilles work in beard theory was quite primitive, he did only have goats beards to work with as he was sadly bereft of chin follicles, at the time but was used as the base of Titolulaks work being furthered.

Truth accepted....

If I may be so bold, I'd like to conclude this science fact series on a bit of whimsy.

Beards make you happy,
Beards make you strong,
Beards are very awesome,
Beards are never wrong.

Thanks for watching and be sure to tip your waitress.

And remember the Word of the Great Tritolulak:

"If your chin is hidden, thy will be bidden, if the chins on show, let it grow."

Tritolulak:  Myth, legend, Ulitmate reality.

BE TOLD!!!!

Famous people with Shark Teeth

I was really bored....

Beyonce

Brian Blessed

Elmo

A dog

Obama

Terry "Tez" Wogan

Ozzy and Zakk

Harry POtter

MR J.

Kurt Russell

Beard Science 4: The outer space origins of beards

Notable astrophysicist and beard wearer Carl Potenski made a startling discovery in 1984.  While doing a routine viewing of his favourite planet, Saturn, he noticed something quite startling;

A small rock like cluster on the southern hemisphere was identifiable on a long range viewing.

Many dismissed this a a meteor or small asteroid.

Carl, on the other hand pursued the matter and using the latest in computer technology, he enhanced the image to this:

and one of the most astounding scientific breakthroughs of the millennium was made.  This was the beard of Beard Professor Galdoph Winkstein who, rumour had it, actually launched himself into space while climbing Everest in 1847 in order to prove Beard Theory.

Professor Galdoph Winkstein

Although his body did not survive the friction of leaving the earth atmosphere and the sheer passage of time toward the outer reaches of our solar system, the beard did.

What this proved was what Dr Carl had tried on many times to simulate.  Beards can exist in a vacuum while detached from it's host.

It is theorised that at any one time there are 100,000,000 (1e+8)  beards in orbit around the earth at anyone time.  

Mostly due to Mancs law that on any bare rock surface the upward force in Gibbons equals the square of the escape velocity of the mass +7 * The underfoot rock coefficient.

Attracted to the rings of Saturn by an unknown force, one we now know as Gibbons force or "beard graviton", it sat in orbit awaiting discovery.  A beard can exist in this hibernation state for some time which explains the pipes in my bathroom.

On examining the picture under an electron microscope he found outside.  He was able to see microscopic fractures in the follicle alignments of the picture of the beard.  The beard itself, now existing only in space, had somehow transferred it's essence down the telescope to the picture and was seeking a new host. 

Potenski died some time later when he fell off a merry go round reaching for a candy apple.  Which coincidentally was stuck to the beard of a passing Irish man. 

Ming.  Because Ming.

To be concluded...

Beard Science: Part 2: The Engorging

In 1861 noted Paleontologist and geneticist Hans "The Rooter" Tritolulak III published a paper in the East Slovenia science journal linking Ghotentialism (the Hablakian word literally translated as "follicles of the lower jaw") to enormous potential of the soul and evangelistic creatology.

Hans Tritolulak III

extract:
"...it is not only clear in the practical application of (beards) that we can extrapolate that the human consciousness and soul is derived from the genetic memory stored in the DNA of prehistory chin skin.."

This paper has long been refuted in the scientific community as hog wash simply due to the fact that DNA was not discovered until 1869 by 2 dudes without beards.

Beardless dudes "credited" with the discovery of DNA

Hans was not subject to the normal rules of time as beards have been known, in vast quantities to slow or even reverse the flow of time through space, thus negating the need for such foul things a clocks.

Hans continued with his research unabashed and managed to get some reading done.

Hans reading an early copy of the 16th century "Beards of yore" by Meludiphin

Hans postulated and theorised that The Godbeard or Chinestrodal figure from the 12th century may have been responsible for the formation of the religious sect known throughout the darkest chapter in mans history as the Engorging.

This sect actually persecuted babies for not having beards and many an enhancement was made to a newborn using the beard from the divine animal, the goat.

Or even a bearded wombat.

Or a particularly hairy cat.

Probably a weird duck.

Oddly enough during this period the propensity for bearded children rose by a staggering 5000% as winess by Moses Von Dunderlog [file photo missing].

It is also the period in which Gothic architecture started to appear in France.  Driven on by the power of the Dark Beard or Hoobalomand.

Also the foundation of Illuminism by dudes with beards happened around this time.  This in itself was a huge leap forward in beard technology and beliefs as I paraphrase; that beards themselves "give us insight into the truth of the information we received for ourselves".

The meaning of this could be that in order to understand the universe more fully we must grow a beard.

i.e. beards give us wisdom.

Socrates: Beard.

To be continued.....

Beard Science: Part 3: The 3rd Part with 3 parts

The size of a beard and it's realativistic notion of power is derived using the following equation:

Bp = Bv/Q(2Vr)

Beard power (Bp) is equal to the Beard volume (Bv) divided by the quantity of beards times the double of the Volume of rock.

Rock is defined by the amount of rock in the surrounding local to the beard.

A rugged Mountain Man

This energy is transferred via symbioses of beard and beardee ergo the larger the coverage the greater the transference through the follicles to the beardee.

We use 2VR as, as seen in the human brain, a beard operates on a left and right hemisphere or more accurately "hemisbeard".

This would explain how Brian Blessed is able to climb mountains/ fly and why many mountain men have beards.

Lord Blessed holding the invisible brush of power. 

The Left hemisbeard controls the power flow and right controls the tempering aspect.

Unlike the human brain the hemisbeards work in tandem to control the overall "awesomness" of the beard.

As a beard learns, it grows and as a beard grows it learns but a beard has a limit memory.

If you ask someone with a beard how long they have been growing it, only on very rare occasions can they give you the beards exact inception date.

Warning:

Cutting a beard is similar to performing a lobotomy.  

Removing a beard unwillingly or without the proper preparation can be emotionally damaging and can lead the beardee down a path of anxiety, loneliness and reduced motor function.

Other symptoms may include "phantom beard" where the ex-beardee or "muppet" or the derogatory "Skin Chin" constantly stroking a non existent beard.

I have seen the effects of this.

I will never unsee it.

The Beard: Science Vs Religion: Part 1: The Revenge

NO!

YES!

The Beard is not simply a growth of hair upon a mans (or womans if we're honest about it) face.

A beard is not just for Christmas or Decembeard.

A beard is a way of life, it is a culture, it is an affirmation of all things good in the world.

A beard quite simply, whether you believe or not, is a holy thing.

The sanctity of a mans (or womans) beard can be traced by to the very early origins of man.

In neanderthal times a beard was grown as a method of insulating a family against the harshness of the elements.  

"Discussions from the elders"

Entire families have been found fossilised within prehistoric beards.

Crouched in hibernation awaiting the return of "Sonnetrol", the prehistoric god of the sun.

There a family of up to 8 would bestow upon the Clanestrolon (or "beard wearer") the power of immortality to further the existence of the species.

Throughout time, the beard has signified knowledge and wisdom.  Many great sages in the annals of history were simply accused of "laziness" or "being dirty" by unknowing and deliberately seditious types looking to bring down the power of beards.  

This was either due to not inherently understanding or a deep seated fear of the hirsute "chin of lore".

Lee Sklar: "Clearly a man of power"

to be continued....

Elysium: it's good. Very good

Neil Blomkamp directed and wrote District 9 after his production of Halo fell through and he got given some cash to make a film.

It was pretty good (understatement).
It has a great story, great acting, amazing CG and tremendous guns.
TREMENDOUS GUNS!

District 9 guns designed by Weta

Now you can't tell me they wouldn't have looked good in a Halo movie.
The story in District 9 is basically about how bad refugees are treated and the trappings of apartheid.

Sharlto Copley is tremendous and acts his back side off.

Fast forward several years to Elysium.

OO-OOOOOOOOOO-OOOO-OOOFT!

Given a bigger budget Mr Blomkamp went mental.
Elysium is a sprawling scifi action film with the premise that the wealthy get healthy and the poor are fucked (sound familiar).

I'm not going to go through the plot other than;
Good guy who was once bad but is trying to change his ways gets treated badly by the nasty corporation who make the police droids.
He then has to fight his way to the healthy Elysium station.
Much fighting, glorious CG, tremendous acting awesome guns, jaw dropping space vistas and Sharlto Copley being the nastiest bastard in all of Christendom.
This is because he has a beard.
He is also completely badass.

AND!  Jodie Fosters calf muscles!  Seriously!

They're like bricks!!!

I think this is from the premier of Elysium.

Anyway........

William Fichtner plays Matt Damons android like boss, looks like the price of being super healthy and wealthy is being dead inside and he is awesome.

Jodie Foster is the cold administrator of the installation.

CALVES!!!!

There's a couple of shots of the Elysium wheel/ ring that look like they could have come out of a Halo cut scene but in stupidly high resolution.
Like I mentioned before, the CG in the space shots is unbelievable, it's genuinely awe inspiring.

The earth bound side of things is brown and dull and dusty, Elysium is green and shiny.

Suffice to say, go and see it.

It's a smart and amazing looking film which is well worth the £9 you'll pay to see it.  It's definitely a cinema movie.  I just wish I'd seen in in IMAX but I would have probably dunged my pants.

CALVES!!!!!

All in all I just it an "A" out of 10.  An "A+" would have been achieved by adding Master Chief. 

BE TOLD!!












CAAAAAALLLVVVEEESSSSS!!!!!!

Insomnia

I just want to sleep!

Maybe this is Fight Club.........

Batman

I love Batman me.

Batman suffered and emotional trauma in his youth, had a bit of a breakdown, trained as a ninja, put on some black clothes, has a cool car and punches criminals.

He's loaded too.

Some people would say he has some deep seated issues and needs help mentally.

HE'S A FUCKING NINJA IN A CAPE AND COWL!!!

His mortal enemy is a clown.
He punches clowns.
In the face.
YES!!!!

The world would be a better place if he existed.

BE TOLD!!!

Clowns: An existential conundrum

No they are not.

They are fucking horrible.

SERIOUSLY.

I fucking hate clowns.

I'm not even talking about Pennywise here, I'm taking about them:

And her

And him

AND THE REST OF THEM!!!!

The fear of clowns is called Coulrophobia.

See, I think it might be the whole uncanny valley principle going on here.  The human mind is attuned to how things should look.

Faces aren't just 2 eyes, a nose and a mouth, there are certain proportions that need to work.  There are boundaries.

Some people are shocked by deformity and abnormal growth, some people can't handle the sight of blood.

You look at a clown, you know it's a person, but it's not their face you see, it's the clowns.  You won't see the real person.  Your brain can't separate the two.

This whole painted on smile and shit, what's that about?  

Why do you need to paint on your smile Mr Clown?  Is it because you're unhappy with the choices you've made in life?  Is it because scared someone will find out about all the bodies you've hidden?  

Is it to entice people in so they feel more comfortable before you drug them with the drugs you keep in your big trousers?

Why are you're shoes so big?  Is that so you've got better grip on the floor when you're wading through all the blood you spill?

Why are you always falling down and capering?  Is it because you're drunk with power? 

Is it?

IS IT?

YOU CREEPY BASTARDS!!!

WE ONLY LAUGH AT YOU BECAUSE WE'RE AFRAID!!!

BE TOLD!!!!

I AM THE KNIGHT!

See this

This is metal.

No, not because it's a Dark Knight and it's Batman (well partly).

But because it has two characteristics that makes it metal.

Characteristic 1
It's how it moves.
2 along then 1 at 90 degrees.

If you're a guitarist you'll get this if not then prepare for metal 1-0-1.

Metallurgy:  The Science of Metal!!!

Take any note on the low E string of a guitar (or B string if you're a 7 stringer).
We'll use the 2nd fret on the E string (F#).

Place your index finger on that note.

Now look up 2 frets and then look at the note on the next string up, the A string.  That note is C#.
Put your pinky or 3rd finger on that note.
Whack up some distortion.
Plays these note together.

That's an F# power chord (Example 1) right there.  You've just done gone and did metal.

example 1 (rendered as photo real in MS Paint)

Keep your your hand roughly in that position and move up 1 fret to G.  Your other finger is now on the 5th fret of the A string and that's a D.
Play those 2 notes together, that's a G power chord.

Pick a note, up 2 down 1.

METAAAAAL!

Now just play the open E string and the 2nd fret on the A string with your index finger.
That is E5.
Metallica, Megadeth, Pantera, Slayer, Black Sabbath made a killing out of that chord.

These 2 notes are the root and the 5th of the E minor scale.  Which is the relative minor scale of G major theory fans.

Characteristic 2:

Vengers horse.

Venger and his flying demon horse are awesome.
This is a fact.

Venger is voiced by Peter Cullen.

Peter Cullen is Optimus Prime.

Optimus Prime is metal!

Peter Cullen is Metal!

Venger is METAL!!!

VENGERS BLACK, FLYING, DEMON HORSE IS METAAAAAL!!!!!!

Using science to prove this:

= \m/

The next time you play chess and someone moves their knight remember:

Optimus Prime plays power chords from Vengers horses ass.

This is where Doom comes from.

That's why it's awesome.

Also, Batman.

BE TOLD!!!!

Guitar solos and why less with more of it is usually more (and/or less).

I love a good guitar solo.

I LOVE IT!

Probably my favourite solo is Dimebags in Panteras A New Level.
It builds from a half time break down to a blisteringly fast and aggressive tremolo picked, wah closed crescendo.
It's fairly short too but all the better for it.
It doesn't sound like he's just running scales or exercises, it's brutal.

Some bands see the guitar solo as something that needs to go in after the 2nd chorus, almost as a necessity or convention.
Watch Some Kind of Monster (Metallicas making of St. Anger movie) and look at Kirk Hammets face when James says he thinks they shouldn't have guitar solos. Priceless.

Bands like Dream Theatre have a wealth of musical knowledge, all studied up from university and they craft their solos based on theory and technique.  Each member is so musically learn'ed they come across as being more composed than just a 6 bar whammy freak out.
Take the solo in Lie from about 3:30 on wards.
Starts off with some nice bends and some dirty sounds then it just becomes runs up and down the neck with a few bends.  Very fast, very accurate, very scaley.
True it's technically very very good, John Petrucci is a phenomenally gifted guitarist, but where's the soul?

Right, polar opposite time.

Live - Run to the Water.  Live are an amazing band.  The solo in Run to the Water kicks in at 2:50 and it's a feel solo.
More impactful than Dream Theatres Lie one.  No where near as technical or notey, it does what it has to and says what it needs to say very very well.
The sound of the guitar is warm and wah'y.
Lovely tone.  It sing's "this is part of the song" as opposed to screams "LOOK AT ME!".

Maybe Chris Thorn from Live can't play as technically as John Petrucci, he doesn't need to here.
Neither of them are as well known as Brian May or David Gilmour.
I love Brian May, arguably one of the finest guitarists of all time.  Not because he's the fastest or most technically sound.  
No, he felt every fucking note he played.  He played a guitar made out of a mantel piece with a sixpence.
Gilmour is the master of the Strat.  No question.  He played/ plays blues lines better than any one in my opinion.  Although Eric Johnston is a close second on the Strat.

CG Brian May with the required stance

Just because a guitarist doesn't play fast all the time, doesn't mean he can't.  Being able to pull it way back and do something that isn't 360 notes per second is something that should be learned.

When metal/ rock guitarists/ bassists start to learn, they get into Joe Satriani, Via, Flea, Claypool, Metallica (at least they did when I were a nipper).
I got handed the music for Cliff Burtons Anesthesia (Pulling Teeth) about 2 months after 1st picking up a bass.
I didn't know what to do.
So I learned it pigeon fashion, note for note.  No idea why I was hitting those fret numbers, just that I had to.
I played it a lot in the first bands I was in (very badly if memory serves).
All I knew was I had to play fast to be considered good.
Not the case.
The older I got the less notes I played.  Until I was goaded into it or some smart ass tried to out do me :) (Didn't always work, there are waaaaaaaay to many uber-talented people out there).
And sometimes it's best to know when to say when.

Anyway, I digress.

I remember watching a live concert years ago where Clapton came on stage with some young upstart who was technically very gifted but didn't "get" melody yet.  Clapton did his thing, one note saying a thousand words etc, then hit a lick Petrucci would kill for just as if to say "up yours young un, you're good but I'm the king up here".  It was good to see.
I think he did it just to prove that he's not just big bends and pentatonics.  There's still fire there.

I listen to some newer music and the guitar solos just are runs up the neck as fast as possible.  No feelz!

oh look DragonForce.....and walk away.....

If you want to listen to some real guitar talent, I'd advise listening to someone like Guthrie Govan or Devon Townsend.  Look up their videos, these guys have a tonne of stuff on Youtube talking about their music.
Govan just seems like the most chilled hippy ever.  Bit of jazz, bit of rock, bit of blues then POW ridiculous solo break. 
He's like the Bob Ross of guitar.

Bob Ross                     Guthrie Govan

Govan, has studied theory, he has paid his dues, that's why he's so good.

I do like a bit of shred though.

I don't like Kiss.

Anyway, my point is I love guitar solos.  Good guitar solos.  Fast ones with brutality, slow ones with feeling.  Loud ones with screaming, quiet ones with delay.

I don't like sterile 32nd note scale runs.  Getting to from note A to B as quickly as possible is not the point.  It's getting from A to BOOM! via "holy Christ did you hear that" having a quick stop off at "I like what you did there" while "how does he get that sound" in the passenger seat.

Also, if you can pick up "FEELINGS!!!" on the way that would be great.

David Gilmour (Master of the Strat)

I managed to get through a whole guitar solo blog without mentioning Zak Wylde.

SHIT!

BE TOLD!!!!

Bat shit crazy

Its a weird phrase, why is it bat or rat shit thats crazy?
Is ocelot shit any crazier.

Revolver Ocelot, he does crazy poopage!!!

I find cow dung quite banal, also horse dung is not very interesting, although, im not a scatologist so maybe there are crazier types.

I'd rate it as follows (with 1 being the craziest of all):

1. Bat
2. Rat
3. Cat
4. Rabbit
5. Fish
6. Dog
7. Goat
8. Tiger
9. Horse
10. Cow

You'll notice human isn't on the list. Human shit isn't crazy, its funny because its jobbies.  Unless it's this guys:

Here's a site that will allow you to identify animal droppings:
how-identify-animal-droppings

See if you can find some crazy ones.

DO IT!!

BE TOLD!!!