Beard Science 5:The End? Part A:The Beginnings of Joy IV

It's that time of year, the time for a man dressed in red with a beard to defy all the laws of time and space and in one night deliver everything to everyone.

Now, I've mentioned in previous posts here that Hans Tritolulak used his beard to alter the laws of time and space to discover DNA before it was discovered.

Sinterklaas, or more the more commonly known "Santa Claus" was part of a secret alien experiment to alter the laws of causality using what was then known as a "baaarvd".

My representation of these aliens.  

(This is is no way a really badly Photoshopped Star Wars character.)

These experiment involved firing large quantities of horned deer at a baaarvd at close to the speed of light, infusing them with the energy needed to bend time and space.
Very little is known about the actual details as the aliens fucked off and didn't write anything down.

The result of these was the creation of Santa.

Scott Ian is Not, I repeat NOT Santa

Now I don't really need to discuss Santa on this blog post as most of you will know who or what he is.

Suffice to say even though he appears magical, he is in fact quite rooted in reality.

History states that Sinterklass day would have been celebrated on the 5th of December to celebrate his passing but this has since been moved to coincide with the birth of JC.
JC being John Cranville of course, the noted shepard/ research physicist.
He is believed to be originally conceived as part of an alien experiment to repopulate the beard on earth.

There's some dude called Jesus also, never met him, apparently good on the decks.

MC Jesus

Cranvilles work in beard theory was quite primitive, he did only have goats beards to work with as he was sadly bereft of chin follicles, at the time but was used as the base of Titolulaks work being furthered.

Truth accepted....

If I may be so bold, I'd like to conclude this science fact series on a bit of whimsy.

Beards make you happy,
Beards make you strong,
Beards are very awesome,
Beards are never wrong.

Thanks for watching and be sure to tip your waitress.

And remember the Word of the Great Tritolulak:

"If your chin is hidden, thy will be bidden, if the chins on show, let it grow."

Tritolulak:  Myth, legend, Ulitmate reality.

BE TOLD!!!!

Famous people with Shark Teeth

I was really bored....

Beyonce

Brian Blessed

Elmo

A dog

Obama

Terry "Tez" Wogan

Ozzy and Zakk

Harry POtter

MR J.

Kurt Russell

Beard Science 4: The outer space origins of beards

Notable astrophysicist and beard wearer Carl Potenski made a startling discovery in 1984.  While doing a routine viewing of his favourite planet, Saturn, he noticed something quite startling;

A small rock like cluster on the southern hemisphere was identifiable on a long range viewing.

Many dismissed this a a meteor or small asteroid.

Carl, on the other hand pursued the matter and using the latest in computer technology, he enhanced the image to this:

and one of the most astounding scientific breakthroughs of the millennium was made.  This was the beard of Beard Professor Galdoph Winkstein who, rumour had it, actually launched himself into space while climbing Everest in 1847 in order to prove Beard Theory.

Professor Galdoph Winkstein

Although his body did not survive the friction of leaving the earth atmosphere and the sheer passage of time toward the outer reaches of our solar system, the beard did.

What this proved was what Dr Carl had tried on many times to simulate.  Beards can exist in a vacuum while detached from it's host.

It is theorised that at any one time there are 100,000,000 (1e+8)  beards in orbit around the earth at anyone time.  

Mostly due to Mancs law that on any bare rock surface the upward force in Gibbons equals the square of the escape velocity of the mass +7 * The underfoot rock coefficient.

Attracted to the rings of Saturn by an unknown force, one we now know as Gibbons force or "beard graviton", it sat in orbit awaiting discovery.  A beard can exist in this hibernation state for some time which explains the pipes in my bathroom.

On examining the picture under an electron microscope he found outside.  He was able to see microscopic fractures in the follicle alignments of the picture of the beard.  The beard itself, now existing only in space, had somehow transferred it's essence down the telescope to the picture and was seeking a new host. 

Potenski died some time later when he fell off a merry go round reaching for a candy apple.  Which coincidentally was stuck to the beard of a passing Irish man. 

Ming.  Because Ming.

To be concluded...

Beard Science: Part 2: The Engorging

In 1861 noted Paleontologist and geneticist Hans "The Rooter" Tritolulak III published a paper in the East Slovenia science journal linking Ghotentialism (the Hablakian word literally translated as "follicles of the lower jaw") to enormous potential of the soul and evangelistic creatology.

Hans Tritolulak III

extract:
"...it is not only clear in the practical application of (beards) that we can extrapolate that the human consciousness and soul is derived from the genetic memory stored in the DNA of prehistory chin skin.."

This paper has long been refuted in the scientific community as hog wash simply due to the fact that DNA was not discovered until 1869 by 2 dudes without beards.

Beardless dudes "credited" with the discovery of DNA

Hans was not subject to the normal rules of time as beards have been known, in vast quantities to slow or even reverse the flow of time through space, thus negating the need for such foul things a clocks.

Hans continued with his research unabashed and managed to get some reading done.

Hans reading an early copy of the 16th century "Beards of yore" by Meludiphin

Hans postulated and theorised that The Godbeard or Chinestrodal figure from the 12th century may have been responsible for the formation of the religious sect known throughout the darkest chapter in mans history as the Engorging.

This sect actually persecuted babies for not having beards and many an enhancement was made to a newborn using the beard from the divine animal, the goat.

Or even a bearded wombat.

Or a particularly hairy cat.

Probably a weird duck.

Oddly enough during this period the propensity for bearded children rose by a staggering 5000% as winess by Moses Von Dunderlog [file photo missing].

It is also the period in which Gothic architecture started to appear in France.  Driven on by the power of the Dark Beard or Hoobalomand.

Also the foundation of Illuminism by dudes with beards happened around this time.  This in itself was a huge leap forward in beard technology and beliefs as I paraphrase; that beards themselves "give us insight into the truth of the information we received for ourselves".

The meaning of this could be that in order to understand the universe more fully we must grow a beard.

i.e. beards give us wisdom.

Socrates: Beard.

To be continued.....

Beard Science: Part 3: The 3rd Part with 3 parts

The size of a beard and it's realativistic notion of power is derived using the following equation:

Bp = Bv/Q(2Vr)

Beard power (Bp) is equal to the Beard volume (Bv) divided by the quantity of beards times the double of the Volume of rock.

Rock is defined by the amount of rock in the surrounding local to the beard.

A rugged Mountain Man

This energy is transferred via symbioses of beard and beardee ergo the larger the coverage the greater the transference through the follicles to the beardee.

We use 2VR as, as seen in the human brain, a beard operates on a left and right hemisphere or more accurately "hemisbeard".

This would explain how Brian Blessed is able to climb mountains/ fly and why many mountain men have beards.

Lord Blessed holding the invisible brush of power. 

The Left hemisbeard controls the power flow and right controls the tempering aspect.

Unlike the human brain the hemisbeards work in tandem to control the overall "awesomness" of the beard.

As a beard learns, it grows and as a beard grows it learns but a beard has a limit memory.

If you ask someone with a beard how long they have been growing it, only on very rare occasions can they give you the beards exact inception date.

Warning:

Cutting a beard is similar to performing a lobotomy.  

Removing a beard unwillingly or without the proper preparation can be emotionally damaging and can lead the beardee down a path of anxiety, loneliness and reduced motor function.

Other symptoms may include "phantom beard" where the ex-beardee or "muppet" or the derogatory "Skin Chin" constantly stroking a non existent beard.

I have seen the effects of this.

I will never unsee it.

The Beard: Science Vs Religion: Part 1: The Revenge

NO!

YES!

The Beard is not simply a growth of hair upon a mans (or womans if we're honest about it) face.

A beard is not just for Christmas or Decembeard.

A beard is a way of life, it is a culture, it is an affirmation of all things good in the world.

A beard quite simply, whether you believe or not, is a holy thing.

The sanctity of a mans (or womans) beard can be traced by to the very early origins of man.

In neanderthal times a beard was grown as a method of insulating a family against the harshness of the elements.  

"Discussions from the elders"

Entire families have been found fossilised within prehistoric beards.

Crouched in hibernation awaiting the return of "Sonnetrol", the prehistoric god of the sun.

There a family of up to 8 would bestow upon the Clanestrolon (or "beard wearer") the power of immortality to further the existence of the species.

Throughout time, the beard has signified knowledge and wisdom.  Many great sages in the annals of history were simply accused of "laziness" or "being dirty" by unknowing and deliberately seditious types looking to bring down the power of beards.  

This was either due to not inherently understanding or a deep seated fear of the hirsute "chin of lore".

Lee Sklar: "Clearly a man of power"

to be continued....