Friday at the coal face

Im really tired.
Not just tired but sweaty.

I have a full stomach though. Ive just eaten a Subway BMT.
Much tasteyness.

Also a nice person just gave me a muffin. So now I sit here enjoying a muffin and a black coffee.

Coffees good.  It perks you up but also relaxes you.  To much makes you jitter. Far to much makes me berzek, then really sleepy.

I once drank about 9 cans of Monster in one day.  I was not a well man.
I was watching Thin Lizzy and I swear to God that Tommy Aldrichs drums were making the air visually move.
My heart was playing jazz too.
The next day my pee was like greeny brown wallpaper paste and my kidneys were so sore that I considered removing them.

Monster's really nommy, especially  the Rehab stuff.  The tea one.

Drink it.

BE TOLD!!!!!

Gondola box, tango time

It occurred to me today that the universe is really big.
Not just Giant Haystacks big.
But BIIIIIG.

Its almost as big as the pizza I want.

Im bloody hungry.  Or sleepy.

No. Im too warm, thats it.

Do you know how warm I am? Im exactly as warm as a goose is white. A male goose. That's white.

This is just drivel isnt it. Well double dumb ass on you!

No, wait, thats harsh.

God im hungry.

BE TOLD!!!!!

Forming quickly under extreme heat

This whole going to the toilet thing, what's that all about.

You eat, you poop.

What's the big deal, why's it not considered polite conversation?
I love talking about poop and pooping and poopterology (the study of pooping).

You see, at work if you stand up and go "we'll I'm off for a shit, I'll probably play Hill Climb Racing on my phone or something" you get some weird looks.  
Not just from women either (who obviously don't poop, how dare you suggest such a thing!).

I love my time on the toilet, it gives me time to reflect and, well, play Hill Climb Racing on my phone (DAMN YOU WB!!!!).  Here's a list of suggested activities for men on the "fecal dispososal system".

1. Short gaming session (Tetris on the original Gameboy is the winner here*)
2. Reading Calvin and Hobbs
3. Reading Batman Comics
4. Reading Shampoo bottles
5. Get the inside of your nose really clean
6. Seeing how long you can hold your breath
7. Asking yourself; "what would I do if i were..."

*can lead to dead legs and funny walk/ pins and needles, basic toilet comedy.

Also, you get to put the world to rights in your head as a great big brown poop comes out yer bum.  Quite frankly there are few feelings better than that.  
To know you've just got rid of a lot of waste products that, well quite frankly, smell like shit.  That's a good feeling.

I used to wonder why it was a generic brown colour, but from an art point of view when you mix loads of paint together you generally get a lovely tertiary brown.
Unless you've eaten a raspberry slushie/ Slush Puppy.  Then it's a weird pale green colour.

I did once do a white one that had the consistency of hard clay, that was awful.  God knows what I had eaten.
It was the worst pain ever.

You see, poop is a fascinating substance, it's basically a form of human produced putty.
You could get one of those Playdoh barber shop play sets and give all the guys jobby hair.  Oh man, how good would that be?
I'm going to Argos on payday.

There's also a darker side to poop, it's just weird and you're weird for asking about it.  Weirdo!  STOP STEALING MY POOP!!!  POOP THIEF!!!!

Let's just say this guy's name is just wrong:
(C)rap music?

Although the start is basically the words my poop make when they are "born to the pool".

Coffee is a bowl movement accelerator too.

BE TOLD!!!

F**K YOU CHICKEN!

I love chicken. But I don't have any just now.

Chickens are funny things.
You look at one and think "Hey, you're a chicken but you don't look tasty!".  It's all feathers and a beak and wee beady eyes.  Just doesn't look like it would be tasty.
Bacon though, bacon is different.  Look at classic normal pink pig.
Like this:
a pig
You'd love to just take a bite of of that.
Stick a skewer up it's bum, roast it over a fire, bacon and ham!!!  YUS!!

Chickens though.
You have to pluck it, shave it, decapitate it. hide the head, so it doesn't watch you with it's beady eyes, punch it (literally you must punch a chicken, it's the law of somewhere), get rid of the giblets and then cook it properly.

Takes ages.

But it's worth it or maybe it's maybelene, I don't know.

I do know I want chicken.  But there's none.

So I think I'll have toast, plain toast, no butter.

Good chicken recipe:

• 4 large chicken breasts
• Grill them.
• Eat them.

Then have a coke.

And some toast.

BE TOLD!!!!

Monday Rain and the wet knee pain

Its a bank holiday, its raining and im at work.

Just ate some melon though.  The texture of watermelon is a bit like an expanded water chestnut, which ive always imagined to be the same as a knee cap.

But I think a knee cap would not taste like peanut like I imagined. Although cow tongue tastes better than you would imagine.

Why do chimney sweeps not dance on the rooftops outside my work?

Better still I one day hope to see a cowled figure menacingly crouched on one of the stacks, waiting for evil to strike.
Not going to happen

I need bacon.

BE TOLD!!!!

Spice Girls: Mustard boys: Vinegar Badgers

Work, whats all that about eh?

That'll teach me for not having money.

BE TOLD!!!

X-Men:First Class

I liked it.

A lot.

Better than X3.

Better than Driving Miss Daisy so why no Oscar nomination.

I'll tell you why.

Because it's all a conspiracy.  
You see, these days, films are made by an underground cult and you have to be a member to get your film nominated.

You must pray to Horned Yonty, you must sacrifice your inner ear on the left hand side.  You ever see a director tight rope walking?  That's why, no balance. 

I've seen it happen, I was in Hollywood one day while I was on sabbatical in 1982, I was invited by an A list director at the time (I cannot say which for fear of retribution) to go to this house at 8pm on Wednesday the 5th of May and I saw what cannot be unseen.
2 faceless automatons performed the surgery on a then C list director (now one of the top Hollywood people in the world).
They actually used what looked like half an old radio antenna and some Bazooka Joe bubble gum to remove the inner ear.


They heard me on my kazoo at the back which scared them so I was asked to leave and never to speak of it until now at this exact time during the great planetary trio of May 2013.

It's true, ask him.

BE TOLD!

When product naming goes wrong.... Very wrong..

Colloquialisms are a funny thing.

How one thing can mean one thing there and another there.

example.

The word "Bum".
In the U.S. this is a tramp or a hobo.  In Scotland it's your arse/ ass/ bottom.

The word "Fag".
In the U.S. this a derogatory term for a homosexual.  In Scotland it is a word for cigarette.
(when you're in the States, just excuse yourself stating you're "going out for a fag", see the horror in their faces.  THE HORROR!!!)

Taking these rules into account we have this:

http://www.fannywang.com/wangbudsvimeo.html

This is a pair of noise cancelling headphones.

In the U.S. this roughly translated to "Ass Willy".

True the name said in a U.S. accent sounds good and it's a good playful name.

In Scotland, fanny is a word used to describe a womans lady bits/ front bottom/ flower :)

So we have in literal translation:
Front Bottom Willy or Front Bottom Penis.

WHICH IS WRONG!!!

BE TOLD!!!

"I'm just off out to get some ballcocks for my rectum hammers!!!!"

The F**KING GRASS

What an unrewarding task that is.

Cutting grass.

So it can grow again.

Only to be cut.

Is it just me or is that kind of metaphorical......

CONCRETE!

Oh Foonty.

Theres a mobile app for blogger....

This could get silly.

1st blog

Not that interesting is it.  That's not my fault though.  I'm tired.

Think I'll go out in my van now....

Riveting...

More to come, probably tomorrow after I've had a sleep and watched some ridiculously good movie from the 1980's.  Or Red Dragon.  
Bloody good movie that.

Oh yeah, episode 8 of Hannibal should be somewhere to watch.

Go watch Metal Spoken word on http://www.youtube.com/user/MetalOutlawTV?feature=watch

Am I supposed to write some mind blowing stuff here?

Science Fact:
The faster you move the more energy you expend, but the more energy you expend the more geese you can get throwing up in the back of a Mini by hammering the vicious little shits in with a rubber mallet.